It’s almost Super Bowl Sunday, and you know what that means. It’s time to make plans for where you’re gonna be to watch the big game. Because, at some point, we as a culture decided that the last NFL game of the season is an important event that we all must all bear witness to. And so, like most Americans, you’ll find a spot to view the game lest you miss out on that one play/ commercial / halftime show highlight that everyone’s talking about online the next day.
The only thing you have to figure out now is where to watch it. The sports bar is out because the risks of an accidental beer bath/ buffalo sauce incident are far too high. Odds are you could find a friend’s party to crash, but even those can easily turn into a rowdy crazy fest. Maybe the best thing to do is just to kick back and throw a small, chill, get-together of your own. Just make sure you don’t follow any advice from the crazy Internet guides.
A Super Bowl party should be the absolute easiest party to plan. Entertainment is already taken care of, and the event itself consists of sitting around and staring at a TV while snacking and drinking. But if the venerable guides of the Internet like Wikihow are to be believed, you’re really gonna have to go full tilt to pull this thing off. First of all the cleaning. Good lord, the cleaning. You think having a tidy living room, kitchen, and bathroom are going to be enough? Goodness, no. You’re gonna have to get into it. Like really get into it. Now, we know what you’re thinking, how much is ‘really’? According to Wikihow, ‘really’ is when you end up looking like this woman:
Also, don’t forget the decorations. You probably thought you didn’t have to decorate, but you were wrong. Lists of things you absolutely don’t need are themed table clothes and NFL paraphernalia absolutely everywhere including on the mailbox. One guide recommended that you mark a line down the center of the room with tape, like the 50 yard line on the football field, and decorate each side in the appropriate team colors. Which, sure, you could do that, but you could also – you know – not. Your guests won’t mind, we promise.
Only the Fanciest of Food
The best thing about a football party is that when it comes to the food, you don’t even have to out-fancy the neighborhood bar. Pick up some wings, whip up a quick layer dip, order a few pizzas, and call it a day. Vegetarians crashing your party? Make one of the pizzas a cheese. A few vegans make it on the guest list? Don’t worry about it. They won’t show up because the whole pigskin ball thing (It’s actually cow hide, but who’s counting?). Unfortunately, the how-to guides aren’t ready to make it easy on you which is why they recommend things like gourmet deli sandwiches and homemade football themed cupcakes. See, this is an area where going the extra mile can actually do more harm than good. Nobody watching football wants a panini. Toss ‘em a Miller Lite and a hotdog like a normal person.
The Gambler’s Den
The Super Bowl’s a big game, and it’s the kind of thing that’s fun to put money on. While there’s certainly nothing wrong with your guests engaging in a few $20 gentlemen’s bets, apparently the guides think you need to go full on Vegas to have a good time. At first the bets seem innocuous enough. Betting on the color of the Gatorade that gets dumped on the victorious head coach? Sure, why not? Betting on the result of the coin toss? Okay. Suppose you could. But betting on the commercials?
“Try guessing which company is next,” says one guide, “use different companies as spaces on a Bingo board.”
No. Do not do that. If the gambling going on at your party involves assembly and prep work, you’re running a gambler’s den not throwing a Super Bowl party, and you need to rethink your choice of company.
The guide goes on to suggest that you bet on which one of your friends spills their drink first or, “Whose husband and wife get into a public argument over a private matter.” Despite being creepy, if you find yourself placing private bets on your friends’ behavior what you need the most is a gambling addiction 1-800 number not a football party.
One of the more fascinating features the guides have in common is their overwhelming fanaticism for the sport. Sure, you could argue they’re just writing to their audience, but a football fan probably doesn’t need help hosting a Super Bowl party, and – even if they did –the most hardcore fans probably wouldn’t be this strict. The recommendation here is that the best way to get started is by blacklisting certain people from showing up in the first place. “No girlfriends who think football is ‘cute’. No friends who only want to see the commercials. No one who will talk during the game,” and, “If your guests don’t like football, kick ‘em out.”
A no talking rule seems pretty harsh for a social event, and forcibly removing people from your party because they might not be as big a fan as you seems unnecessary at the very least, but it gets better. WikiHow has an alternative solution for what to do with less enthused guests.
“Set aside a ‘quiet area’ where non football fans can gather and chat.”
The truth is, a Super Bowl party isn’t complicated, and you don’t need a guide. Just throw on the game, invite some friends, and the rest will work itself out. You don’t need guidelines. But listen, take it from us, if you’re trying to party and you end up having to segregate your guests into separate areas, believe me when I tell you that you’re doing it wrong.