Happy Holidays! And congratulations! Christmas is around the corner, but you got your shopping done ahead of time (and with 3 days to spare!). All that’s left to do now is sit back, relax, and enjoy some much needed rest as you ease into the—what’s that? You’re not even close to done? And with only 3 days to spare! You’re never gonna make it! Hope is lost! Christmas is ruined! Ruined, I say!
Okay, wait. Sorry about that. There’s a possibility that may have been a slight overreaction. No, no. You’re gonna fine. Everything is just fine. We’re okay. You’re okay. You got this. All you need is a plan. Yes, of course. That’s what people do in emergency situations: they form plans. Not that this is an emergency or anything (everything is fine!). Let’s just decide on a theme for you to follow, and you can knock all your shopping out in one go. Something bold and edgy. Let’s go with: utter bewilderment. Sound good? No? Well too bad, this is what happens when you put things off until the last second.
5) Whiskey Stones
Listen, I’m completely confident that for some people, somewhere, whiskey stones are totally a thing. They stone their fancy blends like the monocle faced coinsures that they are and toast elegantly, with detached bemusement, on the folly of man from the balconies of their penthouses. But your friends are not those coinsures. Hand your PBR sipping companion a set and tell them that these geometric shapes are meant to be frozen and inserted into a glass then poured over by their whiskey of choice and try to do it with a straight face. We dare you. Even if their answer to “How do you want it?” when they order whiskey is anything other than “in a shot glass,” odds are they’re still going to believe whiskey stones are a strange attempt at some sort of alcoholic alchemy.
4) Dog Snack Launcher
This dog snack launcher is dumb. And you should absolutely give it to someone. Product details for the launcher include “Fun for the owner and pet” and “Great for dogs and cats”, and some sellers have taken to calling it a “Pet Snack Launcher” instead of a dog snack launcher because they think cats will like it too. But they won’t. They’ll hate it. Cats do not like having their food thrown at them. My admittedly very limited research has already confirmed this. Though giving a little underhanded treat toss to a dog has been a go-to game for K9s and humans since we started sharing caves together, we still think “launched at high velocity” isn’t at the top of your pooch’s food preferences. Bonus points if you give it to someone without a pet.
3) Punch Notebook
It’s a notebook. For punching people in the face. Apparently, it’s handmade with black buckrum, quality cream color paper, and gold foil stamping, but it’s still a notebook for punching people in the face. If you’re thinking that it’s actually a pretty rad gift and not that baffling A) you’re absolutely right. B) You’re not thinking outside the box. This isn’t a present for your feisty friend. Oh, no. This is a gift for your quiet, sweet friend. The shy, slightly weird one that lacks a sense of humor. You know the one. Toss this their way. Maybe write “Your Mother” in there before you do. Maybe draw a line through it too.
Getting out of bed is a struggle and it’s one we all share, so why not turn a terrible situation into a full-fledged nightmare with this little guy? Tocky is an alarm clock that vibrates and makes noise when it goes off. But unlike the cell phones that we’ve all been using to wake up for the past decade Tocky is designed to elude you when it goes off and will hop off your nightstand and roll away as your attempts at peace and quiet are met in vain. This is the perfect gift. It’s the kind of thing you can pretend is meant to be helpful, but is actually given for the explicit purpose of being annoying as all get out. Recommended for that neighbor who you share an apartment wall with who has the kid who screams bloody murder right as you’re falling asleep.
1) Star Wars Toaster
I’ll be the first to admit that we’re as guilty as anyone for jumping onboard the Star Wars hype train, but this is ridiculous. You know what the difference is between this and a Death Star Cookie jar or a R2 Teapot? The added Star Wars flare doesn’t remove any functionality. Your cookies will still be stored. Your tea will flow. Such isn’t the case with this Vader toaster. First, let’s just glide by the fact that the product asks you to jam bread directly into Anakin’s skull as his dead empty, eyes watch you in silent horror. Instead let’s focus on the end result. I don’t know about you guys, but I know every time I make toast I think to myself: man this is pretty great, but what would make this even better is the bread being burnt in the middle by product placement and underdone everywhere else. That would be dandy. Give this gift to your biggest power nerd friend to test the very threshold of their faith.